


Slytherin Movie Night

by Librasmile (Tenthsun)



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Universe, Comedy, Gen, Hogwarts Behind the Scenes, Humor, just a touch of crack, life at hogwarts
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-01-07
Updated: 2018-01-07
Packaged: 2019-03-01 10:03:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 2,633
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13292508
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tenthsun/pseuds/Librasmile
Summary: Originally, Slytherin Movie Nights were chapters in my Hogwarts - Help Wanted story. I've decided to break them out so I can update them separately as the urge hits me. Enjoy!





	1. Chapter 1

**INTER-OFFICE MEMO**

**From:**   _Albus Dumbledore, Headmaster, Hogwarts_

 **To:**   _Severus Snape, Head of Slytherin House_

 **Re:**   _Slytherin Movie Night – Title Selections_

 

**Severus:**

I must commend you on the resounding success you’ve made of your new Slytherin Movie Night – I can't believe none of us ever thought of having one before. The dim glow of the dungeons is perfect! All that watery green light from the lake. It has the perfect atmosphere for cinema. And of course all that lush upholstery you blackmailed me into getting for your house oh so many years ago is finally paying off. Although I expect Minerva to come bursting into my office any day now, demanding similar upgrades for the Gryffindor Common Room. Sad to say, if I give in, unlike your house, the Gryffindors will ruin it all inside of a month. But let's just keep that between you and me shall we?

On to more important matters - the number of Muggleborns attending is truly astounding, my boy. (I commend your house for restraining its natural inclinations and not hexing them at the door. Then again, I DID just receive Ms. Spencer's accounting of your ticket sales. I suppose for 125 galleons a weekly screening you wouldn't care if we wallpapered the theater with Muggleborns.). You’ve created a TRULY harmonious interhouse, magical-muggleborn activity. I’m simply humbled. Even the teachers are thrilled. The threat of removing movie night privileges has done wonders with the Weasley twins. I’m sure it won’t last. It never does with them. But they haven’t been this compliant in YEARS. I tip my hat to your cleverness.

However, I am compelled to remind you to exercise caution in your selection of movie titles. I’m not sure which of these little theatricals sparked the outbreak. But several Gryffindors have had to replace incinerated wands after setting them alight in imitation of something called light stabbers. And more than a few of them have been caught on the upper floors trying to cross the gaps between staircases by swinging across on a rope! Although I must say, I find this odd, new double-bun hair style some of our female students have adopted to be rather adorable, so no harm there.

The other incidents could be chalked up to youthful exuberance. However, Madame Pomfrey has spent the last few nights pouring Calming Draughts down the throats of First Years who came to her raving about Lord Vadermort and/or the Darth Lord.

In any case, while I can hardly believe Muggles have even heard of the Dark Lord, much less made movie films about him, I respectfully request that you remove the offending title at once. Thankfully the Ministry have not taken notice. But if we have one more Gryffindor diving into the garbage vats claiming to be on the run from storm groupers, I’m sure they will. The last time the elves banished the bins without checking, Seamus Finnegan made it all the way to doors of the incinerators at Mess Alley before the waste removal elves fished him out. Thankfully, they're friends of Dobby's so told they gossiped to him before they told their wizard supervisors. By the time the supervisors were told, Mr. Finnegan was long gone. Hopefully, we won't have another incident because I'm sure we won't be as lucky next time!

Otherwise, please continue on with your exemplary work! It’s pure genius!

_Albus_

ad/eh

**Addendum**

_Might it be possible to put in a request for a faculty movie day/night? There’s been talk in the staffroom and I’m quite sure we’d all happily chip so you could purchase something a bit more grownup than soda or hot chocolate for the concession counter. And since we’re all of age, I’m quite willing to turn a blind eye to whatever you’d like to show. Madame Hooch in particular has mentioned some interesting things about a movie called “Last Tango in Paris.” Travelogues are always nice and relaxing, wouldn’t you agree?_

_Besides we can’t let the students have all the fun…_


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _Yet another troublesome flick afflicts Hogwarts_

**INTER-OFFICE MEMO**   **1**

**From:**   _Albus Dumbledore, Headmaster, Hogwarts_

**To:**   _Severus Snape, Head of Slytherin House_

**Re:**   _Slytherin Movie Night – Title Selections, Again_

**Severus:**

My dear boy, forgive me but once again I must address a complaint regarding your movie night screenings. In the last few weeks, on 3 separate occasions, at least 3 Hogwarts students have materialized out of the blue at Gringotts during normal banking hours. One in the lobby. One in the lap of the head teller immediately after high tea. And one in a vault cart – in transit. Which would be bad enough. But immediately after appearing, the students apparently leapt up (well the one in the cart waited until it stopped) and began demanding various customers tell them “Which way to the Labyrinth?” One actually demanded to be taken directly to the Goblin King’s castle while shouting “You have no power over me!”

…Yes, it is rather mortifying, especially when the Goblin King’s emissary appeared in my bedchamber. Needless to say, that conversation did not go well. Hence, this memo and that little kerfuffle with Gringotts. My apologies for that. I understand Ms. Spencer is working hard on correcting the problem. Meanwhile, the Slytherins shall just have to make do. You’ve all gotten so fat and happy on the profits you rake in that you’ve forgotten how to fend for yourselves out of the ordinary operating budget. Please extend my sympathies to Slytherin House during this temporary inconvenience.

And, of course, please refrain from screening that title in the future.

**~*~*~*~**

**INTER-OFFICE MEMO 2**

**From:**   _Demeter Spencer, Accountant, Hogwarts_

**To:**   _Severus Snape, Head of Slytherin House_

**Re:**   _Slytherin Movie Night – Gringotts Account_

**Prof. Snape:**

I am delighted to inform you that Gringotts has restored your access to the Slytherin Movie account. Your account deposit and withdrawal privileges are fully active. As a result, I have deposited the profits from this week’s ticket sales in the amount of 91 galleons 8 sickels and 14 knuts.

In addition, the goblins have asked me to extend their personal thanks for removing last week’s selection from our movie line-up.

**_Addendum_ **

_Let me second that. If one more student had materialized at Gringotts shouting “You have no power over me!” and demanding to be taken to the Goblin King I think Hogwarts’ accounts might have been frozen!_

**~*~*~*~**

**MEMO TO THE STUDENT BODY**

**From:**   _Minerva McGonagall, Deputy Headmistress, Hogwarts_

**Re:**   _Student Deportment_

**To All Hogwarts Students:**

In light of a recent rash of behavioral infractions, I am issuing this memo to remind the student body that they must abide by the Hogwarts Code of Conduct which includes the maintenance of civility and decorum at all times.

To that end, let me categorically state:

**_There is to be NO “magic dancing” in the hallways._**  If neither spells nor dueling are allowed in the corridors we will certainly NOT make an exception for dancing.

**_Hogwarts’ Dungeons are NOT the Underground._**  If you paid more attention in Prof. Binn’s History of Magic class, you would know precisely how to find the Underground as well as how stupid and dangerous it is to actually go there. Regardless of your opinion of Prof. Snape or the Slytherins, I assure you that detention with Prof. Snape would be a lark compared to encountering the actual Underground.

**Finally, let me add that I most assuredly DO have power over you**  and will use it to enforce the rules accordingly. Therefore, from here on out, any student who commits similar infractions will lose their movie privileges for TWO MONTHS. NO EXCEPTIONS.

Cc:

Albus Dumbledore, Headmaster of Hogwarts  
Pomona Sprout, Head of Hufflepuff House  
Filius Flitwick, Head of Ravenclaw House  
Severus Snape, Head of Slytherin House

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _I couldn't resist_


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Pitfalls in the mating process of the adolescent witch and wizard...

**From Minerva McGonagall, Head of Gryffindor House:**

Ms. Granger,

I do hope you understand that changing one’s wardrobe and hair style into something more…lairy might work to gain a boy’s attentions temporarily, however, it never works well in the long run. If Mr. Weasley cannot appreciate you for the lovely young lady you already are – without the teased hair, troweled on makeup and push up bra – then he is hardly worth your time let alone your attention. Why not consider some of the other young men in our House? Dean Thomas for example appears to be unattached and quite the polite young gentleman. He seems to be pleasant and good company. And his grades are excellent…

 

**From Ginny:**

Hermione, way to go on the wardrobe girl! Did you see Ron’s eyes? I thought they were going to fall right out of his head, the wanker. Still, I gotta be honest. I don’t know if he’s smart enough to take the hint. Yeah he’s my own brother but, sigh…You might want to start lining up some other candidates just in case he completely bollockses it up. Hands off Dean though. He’s mine.

 

**From Prof. Snape**

Miss Granger, 36 inch essay on why false nails should NOT be worn in the lab…And oh yes, 20 points from Gryffindor.

 

**From Justin Finch-Fletchley**

Hermione, um…wow, Hermione, just WOW. I love your, um…and what you did with your…How did you even get it to  _do_  that anyway? It’s just like Sandy’s in “Slick,” or, erm, “Oil” or um whatever it was called. Cool wasn’t it? I can’t wait to catch the sequel. Well, anyway, I just wanted to come over and say Hi and…say…  _WouldyouliketogowithmetoHogsmeadesthisweekend?_

 

**From Hermione to Ron:**

You better shape up! You better understand – my heart is set on YOU! So, snap out of it!

 

**From Harry to Ron:**

Dude, you blew it.

 

**From Ron to Harry:**

I hate Slytherin Movie Night.

**From Headmaster Albus Dumbledore to Prof. Severus Snape:**  
Ah, Prof. Snape, might I have a word with you about last week’s movie selection…


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _Albus Dumbledore isn't the only nutty - or even the nuttiest - professor at Hogwarts. And he's generally tolerant of his staff's peccadilloes. Still, one shouldn't encourage the children..._

**Headmaster Albus Dumbledore and Severus Snape, Potions Master and Head of Slytherin House**

My dear Severus, once again I have to inform you - 

No! I do not want to hear it, Headmaster! I have taken the blame for the kerfuffle with Gringotts and the Goblin King. I have admitted fault for the children swinging from the rafters to cross staircases not to mention that hideous double-bun hairdo the more airheaded female students have sported. We will not even discuss Miss Lovegood's penchant for running to the top of the mountain and twirling around like a madwoman as she sings. I even - Merlin help me! - helped Minerva referee that insane silver shoes versus ruby slippers battle between the Slytherin and Gryffindor girls. But I will NOT, I categorically REFUSE to take the blame for this latest debacle!

But Severus -

Headmaster, do I look inclined to bask in the sunlight? Do I strike you as being in the habit of planting blossoms, clipping hedges, weeding flowerbeds, picking daisies - picking  _anything -_  except for brewing a potion?

Well, I -

So why, in the name of Salazar Slytherin - and Godric Gryffindor for that matter! - would you think I have the slightest involvement in  _this_  herbaceous insanity?

I...see your point.

Just make sure that point lands on the right target - right between the eyes. If nothing else, Madame Pomfrey will breathe easier.

Yes, Severus.

 

**Headmaster Albus Dumbledore and Prof. Sprout, Head of Hufflepuff House and Herbology**

Goodness, Albus! How are you? And what in Merlin's name has brought you to my greenhouses? Have you come to see our Audrey? I knew it! Even you wouldn't be able to resist! She's quite a beauty, isn't she? I'm so proud of Timothy. He's worked so hard this year, just put all of his blood, sweat and tears into it and now look at her! Lush and gorgeous, head tall and pointed toward the sky. So much better than the one in that movie Severus showed last month. Things are so much better in real life, aren't they?

Yes, yes, they are. And that's quite a lovely maw she's got there, too.

Well, of course. You know as a carnivore she'd need some power to be able to grab her prey.

Yes, of course. By the way, have you talked to Hagrid about the Thestrals? Apparently, some have wandered off and he thought they might be attracted to some especially tasty plants you might be growing in the greenhouses. Have you noticed anything unusual or missing?

Hmm, can't say that I have. But then you know me. Always up to my elbows in mulch, not much time or attention for anything else. Plants demand so much of us.

They do indeed.

Speaking of missing, how is the search going for the absconded Ravenclaw boy? Any news?

None yet but we're following up a few leads. I suspect he simply couldn't face his NEWTS and ran off. His parents have been notified and I'm sure he'll turn up when he's hungry enough.

Ha, ha, ha, nothing like an empty stomach to motivate you. I'll have to tell you some excellent stories about how I get my 'Puffs through their OWLS. Let's just say the kitchens get quite a workout.

I look forward to it, my dear. By the way, Prof. Sprout, it was pointed out to me the other day that your Hufflepuffs never quite seem to get the attention they deserve. After all they are so hardworking and loyal. And productive. Witness Audrey. Why I think Hogwarts would collapse without their work ethic. So, in light of that integrity, I thought it might be a good idea to create a special award: the Helga Hufflepuff Herbology Honor.

Oh, Headmaster! Yes, yes, my 'Puffs would love that! Well I mean of course everyone would love that but you know how my 'Puffs tend to gravitate to herbology. And I know just the candidate.

Yes, I thought you might. In fact, I believe we are thinking of the same person. Do you think Mr. Timothy Bloodstone would be willing to temporarily absent himself from his special greenhouse project in order to receive it?

Absolutely, Headmaster. Just name the date and time and I will personally see to it that he's there.

Yes? Splendid!

 

**Headmaster Albus Dumbledore and Auror Shacklebolt Kingsley**

So, let me get this straight, Headmaster. You basically had a giant, man-eating weed -

\- Well, it was more like a walking Venus flytrap really -

\- running rampant on school grounds and you  _didn't_ bother to alert the Ministry?

Well, since we'd found the boy, it really wasn't necessary, was it? After all, Madame Pomfrey says he'll be good as new by September. And if he studies over the summer he'll be able to finish with his classmates on time instead of falling back a year. I must say, it's quite a satisfactory outcome.

I see. Thank you again for arranging the ruse with the award ceremony. We never would have found the Ravenclaw if you hadn't slipped Bloodstone that veritaserum in his trophy. It was quite...clever. And where is the, uh, flora now?

Oh, we had the waste removal wizards come and cart it off to the incinerator. By now it should be nothing more than magical ash and smoke. Well the smoke might be a wee bit poisonous but not enough to permanently harm anyone in Hogsmeade or Duff Town. And the wizards who hauled it off wore those...hazel? Hostile? Hazy?

Hazmat suits?

Yes, those! So not a hair harmed on their heads. Of course, there might be later side effects -

I understand. I'll tell the Ministry that witnesses' accounts were overblown, all is well, and file a report...somehow...

Good man, Kingsley, good man! I truly appreciate your efforts. Oh, and in light of that, you must stop in for a Slytherin movie night sometime. Despite his misanthropic tendencies and a few...minor mishaps...Severus has truly created a social event that's become the highlight of Hogwarts' week!

 


End file.
